Elections 2009, and the Winner is…

I gather information from my well-placed sources at the Enkandla homestead (home of president-in-waiting Jacob Gedleyihlekisa Zuma) in Kwazulu-Natal that a low-key local election has already taken place in the Zuma household. While the nation is busy preparing to cast their vote on April 22 the Zuma family had to elect who was going to be the country’s First Lady after the elections. All five wives were given an equal opportunity.

My sources disclose to me that there was rigorous campaigning (obviously unfunded) by all the five wives of Umsholozi who wanted the benefits of living in Mahlambandlovu (Presidential palace) and free flights in Ingwazi (presidential jet). Well, I am not in the know-how as to how campaigning was carried out (house to house or buying of votes with free uphuthu – sour milk and porridge) but I understand that each wife had to put a case to Msholozi’s 20 something children on why she had to stand beside their father when he takes the vow of office on May 9 at Die Unie Gebou.

Well, while I’m privy to who was voted to become our first lady I will leave such information to the powers that be at Enkandla or Luthuli House to announce who it shall be since quite frankly, South Afrikans are justified to want their First Lady. As communicated earlier such elections have already taken place under the watchful eye of election consultants Shaik & Shaik Electoral Consultants and the results have been audited by independent auditors, Shaik & Shaik Inc who understand numbers better than all of us.

Things We Do For Votes

Elections bring out the best in everyone, even DA's Madam Helen Zille, the Mayor of Cape Town who wants to upgrade to being President of the Republic of South Afrika.

I never knew Madam can dance until recently as she goes into black townships in her drive to win the elusive black vote. Do you still remember that old Wesley Snipes/ Woody Harrelson whacky film, White Men Can’t Jump? I reckon it’s about time someone came up with a sequel shot in Langa, titled White Women Can’t Dance.

Still on the campaign trail Umsholozi was at it again, making empty promises to so many people one is afraid he’ll face most of them as he makes his way past the Pearly Gates someday. In Cape Town Jacob Zuma was confronted by a woman who told him she’s been waiting 11 years for her house and all he could shout was, '11-years, I’ll have to talk to the minister about it’. Yeah right, you didn’t even ask the woman’s name and ID number but already you’re taking her grievance to Sheila Sisulu.

After the Soweto floods our president-in-waiting was at it again, assuring the homeless residents who've been complaining to Mayor Amos Masondo for ages that the government’s response was swift and commendable while what the people wanted was swift and commendable repair of the sewerage system that resulted in their houses being filled with water and some even dying. Talk of George W Bush flying over New Orleans while people drowned.

Finally our friends at Congress of the People cast the first stone by announcing their premiership candidates and it’s was unusual to see that party president Terror Lekota wasn’t featured even for a province like Free State which he has premiered before. I say this given his surprise at their list conference; when in the language of cricket he was LBWd (leg-before-wicket'd) by a relatively unknown (to stupid indoctrinated folks) Dr/Bishop Mvume Dandala. COPE, like ANC and DA are also promising folks transparent government, accountability and directly elected delegates instead of the proportional representation system that has seen the ANC send its most stupid folks into the NCOP and parliament so that all they have to do is to rubberstamp whatever the Executive is proposing. Question; these are the folks who were in office through an ANC list process not long ago, when did they have the Damascus experience?

Finally the Young Communists, whose leader Bra Bhuti Manamela was recently accused of laughing while a mother was insulted has called for UNISA head Barney Pityana to resign. But truly Bra Bhuti, no one is laughing – that’s not funny bro.