Where's the Funny?

A lot of funny stuff emerged during a conversation with some of my best buddies recently. And some of it is really comedy that would not make it to the Real Heavyweight Comedy show which has become a Monte Casino feature.

A friend told me that one of the funniest jokes he can tell is that there has been a reduction of suicide bombings in Baghdad. One should remember that there was once a time that the family of a suicide bomber was rewarded with mint dollars.

So my friend said that the reduction in suicide bombings are a result of the global economic crunch. “I’m telling you my friend the Sheiks who have been bankrolling the bombings, then rolling out moolah to the families of the martyrs are feeling the pinch and have started economizing. I should confess I didn’t find it funny though.

Here’s another one which was supposed to be funny about JZ’s socialista daughter Dudu. My friend put his balls on the guillotine that if the first daughter does not grace one of the following magazine titles, DRUM, MOVE, BONA and some other softer and darker version of FEMINA he will not resist castration. Well, this is not funny but true.

Then another friend told me that given that Akon has been given the license to sing the theme song to our very own FIFA 2010 World Cup, he has heard that some less-fortunate local musos have been complaining that he is a foreigner and they should have been contacted.

That had us thinking; what is the most famous sports song do you know? Mine is the UEFA ‘These are the Champions’ which was played to the bone on Wednesday during the Italian Massacre.
Then the next one has got to be ‘Chariot of Fire’ which gets played everytime at the pinnacle of an athletic event. They are timeless.

Now remember the last time Bafana-Bafana had a song to cheer them on? That very forgetful ‘Bafana-Bafana siya-wena (pronounced venah – as in win). Now can you trust such unskilled bunch of gospel and kwaito musicians to compose something of classical proportions to rival the UEFA and athletics theme songs? No ways.

On a final note can someone please tell me what is the justification of having Khanyi Mbau in any newspaper? I mean for the life of me her only claim to fame is having enticed Mandla to marry her, be stupid enough to have a baby by her, buy her a Lamboghini, rent out a penthouse at Michaelangelo and exhaust his budget.

Why anyone would put her on their ‘to do’ list beats me. Okay, add to that the fact that she’s not the most beautiful thing on Prada.

Okay, that wasn’t funny. It was never meant to be.

Is A Glass Half Full or Half Empty?

I like to think of myself as an optimist, or rather what they call an eternal optimist. I believe that light comes after darkness, that rain brings sunshine, that pain gives birth to joy and that everything happens for a 'good' reason. I am a man who believes that if you can't find love, love will find you.

So, when I was asked if I'm optimistic about South Afrika I did not have to scratch my head but to simply say 'YES and NO'. This was a day after it was reported that Transport Minister Sbu Mndebele has been given a R1 million plus Mercedes Benz S500, two cows, crockery and cutlery and other freebies as a thank you by businesspeople who have benefitted from a grand government road construction and maintenance scheme meant to benefit black contractors.

This robbed me of my optimism because I asked myself if the honourable minister really had to wait for the DA to tell him that such a gift is wrong and can not be accepted. I asked myself if the minister, in his wisdom didn't see that he can not accept such a gift. I mean the whole exercise has got corruption and conflict of interest written all over it. Then his party went silent and suddenly such was not corruption but what Gwede Mantashe called 'facilitating'. So, I discussed it with one of my friends and I swore to him that 'corruption' will have to be redefined to suit the situation.

But to him I really raised an issue suddenly the whole thing might be sweeped under the carpet because the whistleblower is the DA and you might have people shouting 'Zille must leave Sbu alone and focus on disabling his cabinet'. However the gentleman he is Sbu called a press conference and announced that he was handing back the car.

I felt pessimistic when it was revealed that the Presidency (of JZ) adviced him to keep the car if he wanted it since there was nothing wrong with the gift. I mean from 16000 kilometres away my brother could see something wrong but the Presidency which is occupied by a man who is fresh from a botched corruption case says, 'ride on brother'. It worries me.

Then as if to add insult to injury Sbu goes on to announce that he might buy a car of the same make from the vehicle finance scheme available to him and other government executives. Now talk about bad timing; what will stop the same bunch of businesspeople from converting the car to cash and depositing it into his account? Also, why didn't Sbu just take the car, hand it over to an orphanage to sell and use the money since the businesspeople obviously didn't have anything to do with the gifts? Makes me think. I'm optimistic that JZ and his people in the Presidency will learn the real definition of corruption and fraud.

Makes me see the glass as being half empty and not full.

The South Afrika I want


This is the main road into my township after a contractor ran away with the money which he shared with local politicians.

I know good white people. I know bad white people. I know good black people. I know bad black people. I know good Coloured people. I know bad Coloured people. I know good Indian people. I know bad Indian people.

However I shall not be caught dead accusing Democratic Alliance leader Helen Zille of being a bad white person. If anything I would classify her as a white person who is so concerned about the ‘wrong’ direction this country is taking which is borne exclusively out of dead policies like the cadre deployment programme.

I look at our country’s new cabinet searching for inspiration but I don’t find none as I see the usual suspects who have failed in portfolios somewhere else. Edna Molewa, Paul Mashatile, Maite Nkoana-Mashabane, Dina Pule, Thabang Makwetla, Lulama Xingwana, Angie Motshega, Phillip Gondongwana etc. All I see are chess pieces moved to strategic points so that they can strike the queen without any hindrance. I see a minister of justice who is put there to appoint a crony Judicial Services Commission that will squash charges against a suspended suspect judge. A minister deployed to constitute the Human Rights Commission with cronies. I see a Minister of Defence appointed to empower so-called war-veterans who are becoming younger every month. I see a minister appointed to deal with women, children and disabled affairs who is put there to appease disabled people at the expense of the taxpayer.

I try to find inspiration somewhere else and I do so in the Western Cape. There I see a cabinet that is not constituted for cosmetic purposes, not to portray a perfect picture. I see a predominantly white/all make cabinet that is not obsessed with political correctness but service delivery.

What South Afrika do I want? A South Afrika whereby people are not judged by the colour of their skin but the content of their character. A South Afrika that values talent to party loyalty. A South Afrika whereby 10.6 million people who voted for the ANC but are not members are not denied opportunities for the mere fact that they are one of the approximately 400 000 or so card-carrying ANC members. An equal opportunity South Afrika. Am I asking too much? Maybe. But I’m an idealist and I often speak my mind. This is food for though – eat it and allow me to do the dishes.

for an extended version of this article go to www.kasiekulture.blogspot.com

The Best of Both Worlds

Since Umsholozi got his machine gun back on Saturday I have been thinking a lot about the power of exaggeration. No, it was not something borne out of Libyan leader Muammar Gadaffi’s excessive indulgence or Zimbabwe president Robert Mugabe’s old Mercedes Benz. It was something sourced from bad use of language. I ended up coming up with phrases like the ones below and trying to understand what they actually mean.

1. “It doesn’t get any better than this” – It means what has just happened is a barometer and that the person who uses this phrase knows it all. First time cannabis smokers experience a high that any other puffing will never fade. So, the first time you puff, remember that it don’t get no better than that.
2. “They don’t make them like they used to” – that’s braggadocio and a veiled threat. You have heard people reading bad press and commenting that they don’t make journalists like they used to, same with soccer players. We say they don’t make soccer players like they used to when they were making Pele, Maradona and Jomo Sono.
3. “World class” – what does it mean? It means a Mercedes Benz, a Gulfstream jet. Simply it means that whatever is on offer is of a class that it’s got no competition or class of its own in the world.
4. “State of the arts” – in ghetto lingo they call it ‘last number’. It’s the latest gadget out there in the markets and there’s nothing after it – more like the interactive flat screen 200 centimeter high definition wireless television.
5. “Third generation” – this is what is not yet on the mass market. Like that Pentium 12 which is used in some military institutions. It’s said to be third generation because it’s ahead of its time.
6. “Internationally acclaimed” – it means having received international recognition and maybe won one or two international awards since awards are the only way to measure reception of anything in the world.
7. “Ontop of the world” – this one comes from the people who have made it a career to climb mountains and plant their country’s flags. They say ‘I’m ontop of the world’ based on beliefs that some peaks are higher than others and some are yardsticks of how high one can fly without wings.
8. “best of both worlds” – this is braggadocio as well since there’s one world and to allege that something is the best of both worlds is actually to say that it appeals both here and in the after-life.
9. ‘greatest of all times” – that is until now. Ray Charles can be the greatest of all time but a time will come when he will be upstaged. Tupac Shakur is still undisputed but one day someone will come and topple him from that high hip hop office.

And you were wondering where I got them? Just listen to any first time rap album and you are likely to get more braggadocios lines in one album than you’ve heard in your whole lifetime.

Somehow

I have just cast my ballot this cold morrow.
Mbombela civic centre having hosted me.
Civility glued to the civic centre’s personnel.
The queue snaked itself long & winding like the
Domba maidens’ dancers’ unison jigs & turns.

Voters’ intentions very, very naked to the course
Like the domba maidens erect unsullied boobs.
Somehow, the land is not in solitary confinement,
But in solitary oneness with its butterfly coloured fellows.
Felon no more, fetes the advent of democracy.

Somehow, the affirmed Moseses of Freedom or Death,
Victory is Certain – Can not cast their ballots for
Bullets overtook them in casting its vile intentions.
Your illogical & selfish excuses to register not & unable your
Honourable self to vote not, is treason against the democracy imbued flag.

Somehow, be high on life for the blinkers of hatred are easily
Laminated against virtue whilst self satisfaction is open ended.
Somehow, some things occur that are a tad tricky to explain.
Somehow, half baked truths influence one to half baked conclusions.
Somehow, allow yourself to be influenced for tomorrow’s sake: Vote!
Poet: Sello Kekana

Wow!
If youcan spot this car please email this blog and claim your prize - the same VW with your name on the number plate. Serious!

The Birth of a Beef

It is going to be the kwaito industry beef of all times and fortunately for the South Afrikan music lover they were there when it was first cooked. In 1996, during some glam awards (MTV or Grammy) in the United States then rap mogul Marion 'Sugar Bear' Knight used his few minutes on stage to urge ‘all rappers who want to make money and to have glitz videos and to not have the CEO dancing on their videos to come and join Death Row Records’. It was a spite on Sean ‘Puffy’ Combs’ Bad Boy Records who was sitting somewhere with his posse. That was the beginning of what came to be known as the East-West Coast beef. Many deaths later Death Row went under and only two men prevailed – Andre Young aka Dr Dre (who left to form Aftermath) and Combs.

And watching the SAMA ceremony on Saturday brought that bitter nostalgia to the fore. First it was cocaine-addicted and convicted kwaito act Briggz who when it was time to receive his award decided to use the opportunity to gloat at his former producer DJ Cleo. “Thanks Bra TK (TK Nciza) for removing me from a bad situation (Cleo or coke?). To Cleo, once again you lose. No bad blood, but I love you dog (Judas and Brutus acts)”.

Literally that’s what he said. I saw Sbu Leope (aka DJ Sbu aka Mzekezeke), who wears sunglasses even at night smiling naughtily. Now fast forward to five minutes later and Cleo (who’s also wearing glasses) mounts the same stage and you could cut the tension with a blunt knife from the moment he took off from his seat. ‘Ubani o-losile?’, first words out of the mouth of a hitmaker scorned. Then he goes on to gloat about having won two awards and soon making a decision stage an after-party in Springs. Actually what he was saying was that Briggz has to wait for someone to decide on his after-party but he (Cleo) can do so at the blink of an eye. Remember what The Game said, ‘I’m Game, CEO of my own shit/ no more this G-Unit bullshit’. Yeah, Cleo does not need to thank anyone because he’s sucking nobody’s dick or taking anybody’s up his ass while skinny Briggz needs to send a shout-out.

I reckon given the number of Jacob Zuma praise albums which were recorded since last December there should have been JZ Praise Song Category on the SAMAs, which would have gone either way given that there were self-confessed ANC people in the audience in the persons of Bonang, Andile, Sbu, Khanyi Mbau and many dodgy characters who jumped into the bandwagon when the chips were already up for UKhongolose.


And finally, Sbu, as DJ Sbu lost badly. His protégé’s didn’t shine except MaBrigado. His alter-ego didn’t shine. He couldn’t host the after-parties he’s known for given that MTN doesn’t give Vodacom sponsored acts the opportunity to paint Sun City navy blue when Yello is the in-thing. The only thing remaining with him, which is what we’ll remember him for is being Jacob Zuma’s sidekick at the Siyangcoba Rally, wanting to be JZ and dating Terry Pheto.

Mobb Deep asked, "Beef/ what/ i overcooked that dish". Let's hope Wheel-of-Steel has got a sizeable pot.

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