3/30/09

‘Free Tibet’ – Dalai Lama Remix

They say we are the only people in the world who compose and sing songs when we are angry. For God’s sake we cry in music. We don’t do one liners like the Americans but real songs with harmonious verses and chorus.

We are the only dudes who compose the whole album of protest songs and sing them over braai or when we are sloshed. No wonder the South African Music Awards adjudication committee is contemplating introducing a Best Zuma Praise Song category this year.

It got me wondering; imagine if Mahatma Ghandi also composed and sang protest songs during his torturous dry fasting. Today there’ll be a whole catalogue of Bollywood musicals scored by him and Anant Singh would be stressing us about all copyright issues as if it was granted such should be held by an Indian.

But my thoughts are actually on the Dalai Lama, that peaceful old man who’s always bending backward to accommodate China’s aggression. I reckon given the hype around him remixes of his protest songs would be on many current house albums.

There would be a Dalai Lama Remix on the SAMAs as well with DJ Sbu having done a ‘Remember when it Rains’ thing on it. For all I know if the old man had released an album every year like many kwaito stars he should be on his 50th album by now titled Half-A-Century. Wycleff Jean would have sampled the first single ‘Tibet Tibet, how I miss the Himalayas’. Just imagine that, it will be very banned in China.

3/28/09

Eighteen Questions

Why is a silent fart more smelly than a loud one?
Why do rich people find drugs very alluring?
Why do poor people prioritise a bonk?
Why did South Afrika deny the Dalai Lama a visa?
Why don’t gold diggers ever invest their spoils?
Why did Mike Stofile return to SARFU after saying ‘there’s no place for blacks’ there?
Why does Thabo Mbeki always respond through a spokesperson?
Why do kwaito musicians mostly die of AIDS?
Why are Coloureds most prone to violence?
Why are more housebreakings committed in Spring and Summer than Winter?
Why are gay men more extroverted and exhibitionist?
Why are Somali pirates more effective than eight military navies?
Why is Nelson Mandela still able to read without ‘glasses?
Why is there a Democratic Alliance when it’s actually only one party?
Why is BEE structured like a pyramid scheme?
Why is Jacob Zuma so confident for someone with a flawed profile?
Why do Lesotho and Swaziland spend money on armies when they are surrounded by a giant?
Why did the US refuse to sign the Landmines Non-Proliferation Treaty?

3/25/09

If you live in Glass Houses…

Yesterday I had the (mis) fortune of meeting, after many months since he left me standing at an impoptru press conference immediately after his release, convicted lion-feeder Mark Scott-Crossley. I must admit this time he was less-stressed and looked well-groomed in his shirt and denim shorts, we sat in the base of a Correctional Services bakkies and actually chatted like old buddies. I told him he looked good and he thanked me from the bottom of his (white???) heart.

I started believing Dr Chris Barnad had been reincarnated for this one transplant since it didn’t feel like the heart that threw a man into a lion’s enclosure or the one I met fresh out of jail at the correctional facility. He was… (go read Kasiekulture)

Apparently Mark was in Bushbuckridge to do his community service by taking part in the cleaning of a primary school together with tens of other former inmates. The kids at the school loved his presence. The man’s self esteem is surprising, when other parolees had difficulty expressing themselves during the induction and vote of thanks he volunteered to speak on their behalf. I won’t tell you what he said here because I still have to write it for a newspaper but he was pretty humble. (oops, go check what he said on Kasiekulture)

I spent a good four hours with him, chatted, interviewed, took his pictures and even brokered a truce between him and Sowetan’s controversial writer Riot Hlatswayo. You see when you are a journalist who has made a habit of lying you end up running away from your sources as Riot was doing on the day until Mark spotted him and offered him a truce in exchange for two litres of coke since it was bloody hot.

Hours later they were shaking hands and me, you know, I was there to capture the biggest sell-out moment of the 21st century. However Riot should stop thumbsucking since he was making life akward for the lion feeding son-of-a-bitch. But take it from me, the man is reformed.

More on Mark Scott Crossley on Kasiekulture.

A POEM FROM THE NUT


If sperms could talk

(A poem for the mortal in you)


If sperms could talk,

I would be the first to say,

Don't bring me into the world if you plan to rape me


If sperms could talk,

I would be the first to say,

Don't fertilise that egg if you plan to starve or abort me


If sperms could talk,

I would be the first to request,

You use a condom than brith me with HIV infect me


If sperms could talk,

I would be the first to request,

You masturbate than in a shitty anus ejaculate me


Sperms do talk,

So let me be their living microphone,

Spark the truth home before I return in fleshy bone


Sperms do talk,

So let my existence be the sound speakers blasting,

Wake the whole neighbourhood in the middle of a fasting


For sperms don't talk

No wonder they are killed before their expiry date

And told no sinful sperm shall enter the pearly gate


For sperms don't talk,

Let the blood of Christ give them mouth or Word

For as some of your poets have said, We are the sperm of God”


3/22/09

Elections 2009, and the Winner is…

I gather information from my well-placed sources at the Enkandla homestead (home of president-in-waiting Jacob Gedleyihlekisa Zuma) in Kwazulu-Natal that a low-key local election has already taken place in the Zuma household. While the nation is busy preparing to cast their vote on April 22 the Zuma family had to elect who was going to be the country’s First Lady after the elections. All five wives were given an equal opportunity.

My sources disclose to me that there was rigorous campaigning (obviously unfunded) by all the five wives of Umsholozi who wanted the benefits of living in Mahlambandlovu (Presidential palace) and free flights in Ingwazi (presidential jet). Well, I am not in the know-how as to how campaigning was carried out (house to house or buying of votes with free uphuthu – sour milk and porridge) but I understand that each wife had to put a case to Msholozi’s 20 something children on why she had to stand beside their father when he takes the vow of office on May 9 at Die Unie Gebou.

Well, while I’m privy to who was voted to become our first lady I will leave such information to the powers that be at Enkandla or Luthuli House to announce who it shall be since quite frankly, South Afrikans are justified to want their First Lady. As communicated earlier such elections have already taken place under the watchful eye of election consultants Shaik & Shaik Electoral Consultants and the results have been audited by independent auditors, Shaik & Shaik Inc who understand numbers better than all of us.

POLITRIX, CHURCH CANT FIX!

Politics r a joke. Church is a joke. Notice the similarity? De has been a sudden uproar of complaints in the previous week bout JZ (msholozi) visiting the Rhema church. I go to church nobody complains, (I’m dragged 2 church by my Mom) so I wud not mind da complaints. That wud force my Mom 2 leave me @ home. An uproar, I mean it was in da papers, TV, radio, my 11yr old nephew probably heard bout it – part of his growth I guess. Zuma’s image has been tarnished by his shenanigans; I don’t know wat or wat not he did. All I know is dat part of da masses don’t like da Nigga.
He decides to go to Rhema; n part of the congregation decides to leave. These people hav got a degree of dislike 4 Zuma, despite their statements of sayin dat they wud have done the same had it been another politician. Who blames them, our society has taught us to easily judge, accuse, dislike people who do not carry the same ethos as u. These guys r a bunch of hypocrite, like the politicians r hypocrite, like ur pastor is a hypocrite, like I am a hypocrite. We all needs to check ourselves.
Zuma’s visit is money motivated; McCauley’s acceptance is money motivated. Beg to differ.
Take David Kuresh for instance, he was a preacher turned sect owner, turned murderer. David neva did it 4 the money, but the power he had over a few individuals must hav been too good to the let go. He inculcated his thoughts into his followers, to the point where they where at his service. He was a sick man. Zuma has worshipers, they might even kill 4 him if need b. Kuresh’s people killed 4 him. Ray McCauley also has followers, they overlook certain parts of the Bible to hav him take their money. The bible states that we should not work on the Sabbath,(Christians hav made Sunday their Sabbath) tell me dat when 1 preaches on a Sunday n dat preaching is his means of income we shud not call it work. The difference is dat it is half a day. He’s workin ain’t he? He prepares the sermon, elders hav their chores of the day before the Minister stands on the pulpit n Hustles (check the definition of Hustle in the dictionary). Adolf Hitler was said to be a Christian, in Nazi Germany the population where behind Hitler. I reckon there was a church he wud attend every Sunday.
Hitler - Christian, Politician, Murderer who was loved by his people. McCauley – Minister, Church Mogul, Hustler whom people luv. Zuma – Politician, Leader, Gay basher n his ppl luv him.
Am I seeing this things or this things r seeing me.
What was dat which Zuma said bout gay ppl in Kwazulu Natal, a few months back, lest we forget?
McCauley’s church is a black church with a white pastor. It wud b fair to say some of his members r pro ANC, wat better way to keep ppl smiling but by stickin with their political party. Now image the amount of ppl thinking Ray McCauley is the Shit, The Man, a man who stands next to Zuma. More cash flows into the church. Black ppl hav a tendency of givin their money 2 white ppl, but now its not just any white person, a respected Preacher. A man of God. Shit man! The same ppl who enslaved us r the same ppl who brought us the God forbidden Bible to sympathize on. Pastors in other churches hav seen this Power dat the Bible carries, n they use it in our communities. How many churches do u know which has poor ppl n a rich pastor. The siphon our hard earned money from us. I do pay for things dat I need, but I cannot pay someone to tell me dat its okay to b poor cause they inherit the Kingdom of God while he is getting stankin rich. Wait a minute! He does not want 2 inherit the Kingdom of heaven?

Zuma has realized dat some middle class black ppl hav left the ANC n ppl tend to classify Rhema wit class, if he could get some of them to just c him at Rhema it wud b good for his campaign. They probably knew dat some individuals might leave the church, but unlike the good shepherd, wat is one lamb, compared to the 99. Zuma will b president probably, he won’t fuck up da country. But he will have the power. Let’s give him the power as we shall, learn from him n make it right if he makes wrong.
Perhaps im crazy, perhaps im a lunatic, perhaps Zuma went 2 church to get some prayer as they say dat is what he went 4. Perhaps McCauley is acting Christ like by allowin him into the church 4 the salvation of the country. Tym will tell let us live this Hell.

Khutso

3/20/09

22 Questions; Have You Ever Wondered?


Fresh out of weekend I have some few revelations for all ye ya. I have often wondered why some people really stress about letting go of anything, love, material and obsession for The Cosby Show, so today I am posing questions and sharing with you my wisdom on timeframes;

1. How long should it take you to sleep with a new partner? Two dates
2. How many times should you call before you see the dim light? Five times and six SMSs
3. How many terms will the ANC be given to rule this country? Four
4. How many times should you try your internet connection before you call technical support? Six times
5. How many sex rounds should a healthy man be able to pull without effort? Five
6. How long should one round last? Between four and forty-four minutes
7. How many sleeping pills qualify for an overdose? Eleven
8. How many 340ml beer pints should an average person drink before they become tipsy? Four
9. How many wives does Jacob Zuma need? One
10. How long should it take you to let go of a cheating partner? Immediately
11. How long should it take you to get over them? The longer it takes you to find a new partner
12. How many joints of good weed make you bleed through the nose? Eight
13. How many former partners should an average 25-year old person have? 32
14. How big should your entourage be to be classified 'rolling 50 deep'? Same number as your provinces or states (US = 50 states, SA = 9 provinces)
15. How long is the longest foreplay? Fifty-two minutes
16. How long is an average penis? 17 centimetres
17. How long is an average bonk in a porn movie? Seven minutes
18. How many litres of an HIV+ person's saliva should you gulp to be infected? Five litres
19. How many sexual partners should an average person have in one lifetime? 200
20. How long is the longest marriage? Lifetime
21. How many children does Pope Benedict XVIII have if he really doesn't believe in condoms? Hypocrite
22. How long is the quickest quickie? 11 seconds

3/19/09

The Art of Lying

Two days ago I watched with shame a muthafucka trying hard to lie his way out of a corner on an SABC2 consumer programme hosted by Dosto Noge. The son-of-a-bitch was such a lousy liar that I pitied him – painfully. This prompted me to pen a piece advising me on how to be an effective liar. Hope you double-dealing folks learn and apply this;

1. when telling a lie, you should keep a straight face – there’s no obvious giveaway than a frown or blinking your eyes repeatedly when you are lying
2. don’t scratch your head – back in school when somebody didn’t know the answer all they had to do to indicate their failure was to scratch their head, so don’t do it
3. your lie must be nearer to the truth – if you want to lie to your partner about having spent time at the post office where there was long queue, start there, buy Lotto tickets and actually fill them in then go jolling, you’ll have evidence to produce when your partner doubts you
4. Don’t tell obvious lies – telling your partner that you are working late is actually saying you are bonking someone else. Also like saying 'come on, we are just friends'. Working late is the oldest trick, it’s the same as claiming you were at the gym when everybody knows more people fall in love at the gym than in church
5. Memorise your lie – the trick here is to believe your own lie. There’s a difference between Kingsway and Beyers Naude, or Cresta and Melville, so if you were at Melville remember that even six months later, anyway why would you want to remember a Cresta that nearly put you in shit
6. Don’t plead alcohol abuse for your memory lapses – saying ‘I can’t remember I was drunk’ is as bad as saying ‘I whacked you because I was drunk’. The issue here will be ‘so should I ready myself for this bullshit everytime you go clubbing?
7. Never change the original lie – no matter how many holes are punctured in it never say, ‘Agghh I was lying, let me tell you the truth’. Rather plead stupidity and say ‘well, I can’t help it that you don’t believe me but that’s my story and I’m sticking to it’. People tend to believe people who believe in themselves.
8. When someone picks a saucy SMS in your cellphone and asks you about never claim it was sent to your cousin or colleague on your cellphone but rather argue that ‘it was sent, I didn’t send it, I can’t help it that some people have a crush on me and hallucinate about it’. This is as long as it’s not about yesterday in the bathroom while everybody had already left or what you did last Summer
9. Practice lying by lying to your own mother - She’s the person who knew you from the time you used to protest having stolen a spoonful of sugar even when it was all over your lips. Lyingtologists (people like me) allege that if you can’t lie to your mother forget about lying to your partner. To your mother, lie, lie and lie until you get it right
10. Never start your lie with a repetition of the question your were asked, like ‘where were you last night?
Last night? Me?’ just shoot from the hip and have a ready lie everytime you have screwed up.

Finally remember that a lie is not an original sin, it’s a bodyguard for the truth. Sometimes the truth is so valuable it has to be protected by a bodyguard of lies, just to spare the next person from the impact of truth. Many relationships which would have survived have dissolved because someone dared tell the truth – when the lie was a tongue-tip away.

3/18/09

Today I Woke Up


Yesterday I woke up to the news of the mayor of my small poor municipality Milton Jan Moreme going to court to face charges of murder. Yesterday I woke up to hundreds of his Afrikan National Congress fans in t-shirts bearing the face of party president Jacob Zuma waiting for buses to go and support him on his woes. Yesterday I woke up to news that he was going to trial in Nelspruit but has already booked a venue for his victory party on Friday. Yesterday I woke up to ANC cadres complaining that they are being used as cannon fodder in one man's battle against the elements. Yesterday, I woke up to a South Afrika I would love to live in where suspects face the full might of the law and answer for their accusers.

Yesterday I also woke up to the news that ANC president Jacob Zuma's sixteen charges might be dropped by the National Prosecuting Authority. Yesterday I woke up to Mo Shaik, the brother of convicted and recently released on a dodgy medical parole Shabir Shaik telling students in Pretoria that the NPA will drop charges. Yesterday I woke up to a South Afrika suddenly becoming what I didn't want to experience. Yesterday I remembered what Humanity said last week that what's the point of voting believing that your vote will give you a voice when your voice is muted as long as no one is listening.

Today I woke up to a quiet tranquil South Afrika which survived the events of yesterday. Today I woke up to a South Afrika where I can tend for my garden and water my flowers and laws and listen to the birds singing. Today I woke up to a different South Afrika, which is different from yours because overnight I just divorced myself from your reality and am now living in my skull. Today, South Afrika as it exists for you doesn't exist for me - because today I liberated myself and screamed 'fuck politics!'

PS; Saturday, my fresh-out-of-jail mayor is slaughtering four beasts to celebrate while two familes commemorate the deaths of their sons.

On April 22 Jacob Zuma becomes the President of South Afrika. Funny huh!

3/17/09

Like Sands Through the Hour Glass - Generations Revisited

I’m going to touch on that old tired story about Generations and the reason why it sucks. One of my friends used to be its scriptwriter and thus I am going to be a little nice lest I chop the episode which she co-wrote.

But I mean in the real world the Mashaba family set-up leaves a lot to be desired. Actually the whole cast is funny. Here’s my innocent analysis;
That Khaphela has no girlfriend is funny since all humans are sexual beings. And for a widower who once dated Cleo (remember the reformed whore?) it is quite intriguing.

That the Mashaba household is made up of Kenneth (who speaks Sepedi) and Paul (who is Zulu) and a coloured girl who can’t speak neither is itself a joke. Then the two Mashaba children speak Sepedi while their stepmother is Tswana. Wow!

Can somebody please tell me when will Karabo ever get married and live happily ever after. I mean she has dated almost every single stud who came to the scene. And the story about her and her undating sister-in-law Queen sharing a roof is too good to be true.

There are millions of other things which are just not right and which come across as having been scripted into the soap for political correctness’ sake.

Ajax (Xhosa), Sharon (Tswana), Samuel (Zulu), Dlhomo (Zulu), Ntombi (Zulu), Dumisane (Xhosa), the doctor (Shangaan), Khethiwe (Zulu), Jabulani (Zulu from Limpopo). Okay, let me pause here before I’m accused of being a playerhater.

Next; the new ANC television advertisement. Watch this space!

3/16/09

How It’s Going Down

I don’t take kindly to politicians trying to be smart because I know there is no person with the ability to camouflage real feelings and intentions than a politician.

However I must confess my adoration for COPE’s controversial Youth Movement convener Anele Mda. See, I meet Anele rather late in the afternoon after she has spitted her venom at a meeting and she’s relaxing in a car eating KFC. So I chat her like a potential boyfriend. She’s nice even before she knows what is it I want from her. Anele is well-rounded so I might be looking for action than rhetoric.

We start chatting and those who know me can tell you I can be real nice, especially when you are a powerful black woman you bring out the fiend in me. Something in the back of my mind tells me she’s sensing animal aura. She’s sitting down and devouring her KFC while I’m posing questions to her and making her smile because I can crack a smile if I want to and make you smile ten times better.

At some stage I request her to take to her feet and pose for me – click-click-click! Yeah, she’s fine, I hold myself back from telling her that earlier on I took her picture while she was looking the other way round – for other reasons which I’m not going to divulge to her now – until she’s high in political office and I can holler ‘what’s up Mami/ remember me from MP/ the PiMp province where my fantasy was to hit that’. Ha-ha!

Thought of the day

Together we can do more CRIME


Viva! A better life for all CRIMINALS

3/13/09

Friends With Benefits

A concept that should be tired by now but which I have a feeling the scriptwriters of etv’s prime time soapy Scandal have just picked is the one about Friends With Benefits or FWB in short. I might think it’s tired because I’ve had a one for almost ten years but this is another relationship terrain that few sexperts want to explore.

Simply put, a FWB is a friend with which you give each other sexual favours when the time and the mood is right. The FWB can be married, in a relationship like so many people love to brag on Facebook or just someone who is not even in a relationship. The bottom line is the bonking and the absence of remorse or guilt after that.

Sounds simple; of course it should be, until one of you starts loving the feeling and wants to copyright it to themselves. Those are the minefields; from the onset it is purely a wham-bang-thank-you-mate affair until the other mate wants the fantasy to develop into a reality. Fuck it, they don’t call it fantasy for nothing.

My well-informed dictionary defines fantasy as ‘Something many people believe that is false’. It’s true, because FWB relationships are actually based on false pretense. At any given time one feels that they want it to become something else but the thought that this person could guzzle your jizzle while they had a partner makes you cringe at the prospect of them becoming an FW-bizzle with some nizzle in the hizzle while you'll be snoozing trying to figure out if life is a puzzle.

And that the FWB is actually good between the sheets makes you want to keep it illicit; isn’t something stolen more kosher than a four course?

So, as the Scandal scriptwriters go on a new definition of the concept, I will be watching with interest since that is my territory. One of my FWBs once told her friend when she was crying because her FWB wasn’t answering her calls that ‘you must be loving this son-of-a-bitch my friend, if he can make you cry’.

That was a caution; ‘never let your FWB make you cry because once that happens you have already crossed the line and should withdraw immediately’. One of my friends, who is as informed as my dictionary once told me, ‘never love anything to the point that you can not stand back and watch it die’. So be it with FWBs.

WOMEN GO UP BY 27,2%



MPUMALANGA'S FINEST

Finance minister Trevor Manuel has announced a shocking 27,2% increase on women, excluding VAT.

However, as Manuel is the longest serving finance minister in the world, he found ways of hiding the increase between the lines. It was only Tshwarelo eseng Mogakane's sharp eye that noticed the chich hike.
When Manuel said alcohol would go up this year, he did not mention who would be buying women their six pack Saritas and 12 Savanna and six pack Espirit. It is you.
He said petrol would also go slightly higher during the cause of the financial year due to the global economic crunch. However, he deliberately forgot to mention that you will have to pop out extra when taking your girl to the mall or just paying her a visit.
Did I mention that he also announced that food prices will go up, forcing you to pay almost double at those restuarants you take your women to.
There's no way to avoid the global financial crunch. It affects everyone, including relationships.
Prices for hair and nails as salon owners begin to pay more for their materials.
Condoms will also be going up, including u auntie wa go cleena the sheets after you finish dirtying them up with your woman.
We need to form a Women First Union, because if we don't boycott this price hikes, re sa tlo jola bomang? Women will kill us for ignoring them. It won't be our falt, they are just too expensive.
I have to go, my woman just sent me a please call. Is MTN increases its rates as well?

PS: This is a generalisation, not all women want to be treated like queens - some know it costs and arm's deal and a leg.

3/12/09

the irony of the machine guns


We have seen too much of civil wars and enough gangstar movies to be aware of machine guns, I’m talking R4s, AK-47, 9mm and so on, and here we have uMsholozi lamenting daily to whoever, to bring his machinegun, for what exactly I don’t know. As a traditional Zulu man, is he not supposes to beseech for a shield n spear or knobkerrie? Well, Chika Onyeani confirmed it, we (Africans) are comfortable spending fortune enhancing our military services with innovated machines guns, and no wonder JZ is demanding his. It’s acceptable to have a protected land or household but guns issues in general are very controversial and for a presidential candidate singing about them is more than controversial, it’s scary. I take JZ’s hit as a metaphor, like Nasir Jones, what Jacob Zuma really wants is one MIC, he cannot really mention it in simpler language because we understand violence; his associates told me he listens to Nas. All Jacob wants its one MIC to spread his message, to administer his possible country. Unfortunately his sidekick Julius Malema and many like him took the message very literal, they wanted to take up arms and emulate DRC, well I guess, Msholozi was right we do understand the language of violence better.

Those who grew up in township like me will know that girls used to be sexually violated because according to us their ‘Nooos’ is their ‘Yesses’…. how dare do we presume that? but yes we assumed they understood aggression, and we still do. WHAT A SHAME, many of us did so thinking selfishly about our ‘machines’, we raged against ourselves because we couldn’t keep ‘emishini yethu’ locked behind the zip. We should have been the ones singing the song because we behaved like a bunch of comrades on steroids looking for oppression to conflict. I mean, there was time when we chanted the songs, relevantly, and the white man was scared, and now we can sing along with JZ, with twisted thoughts and women would love it. Women love a man with anything big and strong, especially big machines, like a Ferrari, enormous gadgets; plasma, HTC and of course machine guns; literally or figuratively, they give a sense of security. Pamela Anderson once said “whoever said size doesn’t matter, must have been a man”. Now who can blame all those women who chanted along with uMsholozi during his scandalous trial time? Like me, they understood the metaphor behind ‘mshini wam’. But violation of human rights is so not so African, the African value; Ubuntu is enslaved if we act like we did fifteen years ago. So, once again let’s not be cynical and give the nigga his MIC so he can say what’s on his mind, and those who want to produce and use their ‘machines’ they can hit the local clinic and grab some condoms.
While You Were Sleeping

One of my few friends who are actually smart without having spent many hours absorbing academic indoctrination once warned me against sleeping, to the point that you gape and fail to comprehend what happened. I remembered him last night when while I was busy on my Facebook profile the template went - zig-zag-zog-zug- and I was suddenly working on something new. Not really knew because I have been reading about it for some time in newspapers but thinking, well, who cares.

So, with things passing people while they were sleeping I ended up having to think long and hard about what are the stories that come to my mind of people who have been deprived of benefits - tickets out of mishap by virtue of loving good old sleep. I can think of a few friends who today were supposed to be working a Global Forests or the mines if they didn't miss the 04h00 bus. The one that is the opposite of hell in Winter.

I know of how some people missed blessings because when the Lord told them to close their eyes for a prayer they fell asleep and had to be awakened three times. I know of a thief who broke into a department store to steal but ended up filling his little tummy with food and beverages that the first time he opened his eyes was when the Constable was fixing the handcuffs into his wrists.

I know of a person whose partner was ruffled up (in bed) while the sod was dreaming. So, next time you watch Generations and Karabo stresses about Paul typing through the night when he should be doing the job and Queen defending him that probably that's when his creative juices flow well in the wee hours of the morning, take a cue, while everybody was dreaming and bonking, it's easier for you to think rationally because all the important thoughts are flowing just waiting for a hungry brain to tap on them.
Somebody made R400 by donating 4millilitres of sperm at the Sperm Bank - while you were sleeping. He made R400 and today he might date you or even buy you beer!
I woke up this morning bitter at the manner in which things around the area i know dwell in have become.It is disgusting how its normal to dawn to the reek of death and the statements of headings the news and papers report. It got I deeply frustrated, one can only understand it only if they too suffer from a Query syndrome that is coupled with what others refer to as a conscious mind and heart. Can a wrong statement or deed be justified by the masses since it has been made common? a gentlemen who cared not to have his name again mentioned once warned me to learn to just accept that things are in the manner that they are meant to be in, when in actual fact it is humans hand that is responsible.

I honestly never thought that aging older meant that one has to learn to link to the worlds fixations and learn exactly what it is to adjust, it seems that all of us in one manner or another have learned the ways of society's grades and just follow suite for there is no other given option. it is just the ways forming our daily, harmful and sad situation. Conformity of a certain sort and kind is inevitable to us all? It never to I truly occurred that the world outside the games at young age i played would mean for today's children shooting each other to death. i must then learn to grow with the flow? Queries syndrome has me suffering, do we all need to truly go behind lined customs for we seemingly don't vision it an different?

I dont understand surely how our society adopts the standards set up for us to live under. It must have everything to do with civilisation and these are just the times and one must learn to evolve and then adapt. To it all?

3/11/09

How To Make A Skin-Flick

Since Sondeza went pop, visits to www.fuck.com have increased tremendously. And my investigation picks the same IP addresses connecting to www.fuck.com as those which used to spend countless hours on Sondeza. So, Sondeza’s loss was www.fuck.com’s gain. But I have been wondering what’s the point of spending money watching celluloid sex when you can make your own. Here’s how to make your own home made skin flick. If you are brave you can double-date and involve your friend and his girlfriend as director and camera operator. Alternatively you can all swing.

MAKING THE MOVIE PART I

What you need;
1. A SONY HD digital camera (or if you are too broke use your cellphone)
2. Lights
3. Reflectors
4. Lots of glycerin
5. KY Gel and Spanish Fly
6. Lots of condoms (at least stick with Durex not Choice)
7. A queen size bed (forget Formula One’s cabin singles)
8. An edit suite installed in your computer
9. A tripod
10. 120 megabyte of memory in your SD card
11. Lots of soundtrack music CDs
12. A little alcohol or drugs.


THINGS TO DO

1. Understand that premature ejaculation might be your disease (or at least see Men’s Clinic International) but don’t stress, shoot the scene that ends too quick and archive it so that during editing you can put it at the end of the one that refuses to end – you know that round where you don’t come – you just take that first scene and paste it there and you are like boo-ya-ka.
2. If getting dry some few minutes into the session is your problem as a woman, use KY Gel or drink a tonic spiked with Spanish fly twenty minutes before filming.
3. If you are going to have your friend and partner handle the filming and creativity, avoid staring at the camera – it looks amateurish.
4. If you are doing a secret movie without voyeurs mount the camera on a tripod (or in the case of cellphone lodge it between two dictionaries) and use a television set as a monitor (only for those using cameras).
5. Rehearse- rehearse- rehearse, it’s like a stage play, you have only one take.
6. Change fuck positions when screwing for better angles and more entertainment.
7. Blowjobs are performed next to the lens. Use as much glycerin on the bodies to give them gloss.
8. Don’t allow shadows to crop in your visuals so reflectors will be used to divert light to shady areas of the body. Play music in the background as long as it’s your own or its creator has been dead for 100 years.

THINGS NOT TO DO: ACTORS
1. Don’t fake orgasms or bump her with gusto since this makes your flick look gonzo
2. Don’t analfuck the woman since the flick might fall into your childrens’ hands someday
3. Don’t be tempted not to use a condom even when heated.

FINALLY
Load it onto your computer and start editing using Adobe Pro Suite or the standard Movie Maker which comes with your computer software. Add music and titles, like ‘Adolf and Beatrice present – an A&B film – starring A, introducing B as Skank’. You can even use your pictures at the beginning, some long range shots of mansions in Sandton to create an impression that it’s where the bonk is taking place.

DONE
Edit it to be a minimum 45 minutes so that you don’t bore us with your limp Willy trying to act macho. Happy filmmaking

A job overseas

MPUMALANGA'S FINEST

Here is a job opportunity for our brother and sisters who want to make a difference in their lives and those of others.


Just visit mboshongo.com and see for yourself. Tell your friends that they can get a job on mboshongo.com, it's so real.


Enjoy


3/10/09

In The Public Interest:
Investigate your sources of (mis)information – it’s a matter of principle

By Sizwe Sama Yende

I have seen many a journalist left with an egg on the face after being hit by a boomerang. A missile they had directed at us – government – ricocheting to hit back at them.

Those are opportunities for us to gloat, but since we neither have the channel nor the heart to retaliate we let what would make headline news, on the flip side, go unnoticed.

My point is - things backfire for journalists when they make no effort to investigate their sources.

The simple questions a principled journalist needs to ask about a source dangling juicy information before his curious eyes are:

What is the motive for this person to leak or divulge details about a public institution or an individual?
Why is my source so intent to hang the institution’s or individual’s dirty linen on the public arena?

Believe me, journalists invariably prefer to omit or ignore this important principle. “But why?” I always ask myself each day I pick up a national or a local newspaper to read or listen to news in the electronic media.

Perhaps they are in a hurry to meet a deadline,” I try to answer myself. But this should not be an excuse. Most stories are published prematurely while they could be delayed until information is doubled-checked if not triple-checked.

The one-sided details are, in most cases, so attractive and mouth-watering to a journalist that waiting a minute longer to do proper work would jeopardise a good story.

I need not harp on about how lies about the private life of President Kgalema Motlanthe were splashed in the media. This is one perfect example of a boomerang that has hit our newsmen and newswomen.

No effort was made to investigate the source. It is still difficult for me to understand why I am writing on this topic, because it is a standard procedure in journalism to investigate the source.

Once you are sure who your source is, what is he or she about, then you can carry on with your juicy story.

In most cases sources are disgruntled individuals with skeletons in their own cupboards. What they are looking for is a quick-fix to their predicaments, and the best route to go about it is by pillorying or lampooning others through mass media.

If they do it for the good of the public, not to save their skins then it is justified and – perfect. I know there are those individuals out there who are sincere and committed to see the right things happening, and they throw stones knowing fully well that they do not live in glass houses.

Whatever the case may be, journalists must do their job by getting answers to the questions asked above.

It seems to me some journalists have become the easiest people to hoodwink as they cannot differentiate a fib from fact.

I have experienced a situation where a political organisation raised an issue about my institution - through the media.

When I asked for proof of what was being stated as facts, it was like throwing a duck into the river hoping it is going to drown.

To my dismay, the so-called facts were run in both print and electronic media! No thought was ever given to the fact that the nascent political organisation was trying to gain recognition and the best way to ensconce itself in people’s minds is through mass media.

Journalists across the spectrum failed to investigate the motives of the source whether unwittingly or due to lack of skill. Instead, their judgement of fairness got clouded by the excitement of having a scoop about a district municipality.

My comment that aimed at rubbishing cheap point-scoring tactics was edited out of my response. My institution’s name was embroiled in a smoke of sheer conjecture.

In the few media institutions in which I have worked as a journalist, a story of this nature would not see the light of the day. I would not dare give it to my editor. Never!

I am no longer in the game of journalism, but my unsolicited advice to my former colleagues is: Investigate your sources, and never get into the trap of trying to nail us on hypothetical information.

You will not be doing us a favour but yourselves. The public is increasingly becoming sensitive and aware of the newsgathering process and they know when no justice has been done.

In most cases, the best story to tell is about the person supplying information – the source. I bet you on this one.

Sizwe sama Yende is Senior Communication Officer (Media Liaison) for Greater Sekhukhune District Municipality. He writes in his personal capacity.

lies

Let all the lies told to us by those political leaders be brought to days light, so that the people who cast votes may be able to receive justice from the end of the picture and political party.

It does not to many younger folks, and people of other age groups makes a formal sense how the political structure is build nor the manner in which it operates for they have not witnessed a single better change just more grief. Many do not find a single reason to cast a vote whilst others consider it as just plain ignorance to be a citizen of a country and not vote; yet for some its just the most gravest deed they can involve self in. What truly is the use to place one's trust in a human being who proves self and others in millions that concern only comes during the duration of asking to be elected. Short months later the voted officials are corrupt. Just as it harms the parent when the child they for many years cradled grows to be a criminal. It deeply hurts, worse when that person is a greedy grown up man or woman who is suppose to lead generations. I cannot cast a stone towards those not yet in power and the promises they make, and yes, every nation needs good Governance, not tribal form but intelligent leadership which shall maintain and grow a nation not own agendas and pockets.

I want worthy leadership, not dictators who have too many burdens they will be failed before they even start and that requires not a scientist to figure. Give me and those in agreement a worthy candidate, dates wont need extension for registering or convincing campaigns just plain truth and taken action can guarantee any citizen's vote. Frankly, I am weary of going along with garbage.

Voting is said to give one a solid voice, but what happens when it falls on deaf ears?

3/9/09

"Ask not what Your Country can do for You, Ask What you can do for Your Country" - Count me In

It's election time and I have been toying around with the idea of restructuring our police force to be in sync with the changed dynamics of the South Afrikan life. We inherited an unfriendly police force from the Boers that finds it easy to sell dockets for R100 and to sit at taverns and drink Black Label with pistols still tucked on holsters. Now, I am aspiring to be the next police commissioner suppose Minister Nathi Mthethwa starts searching outside the party. And here is how I am going to pluck out suspected bad apples (read Jackie Selebi and Raymond Lala) and take the force back to the police.

We are going to have the following units and functions;
1. Farm and Rural Police (uniformed fully mechanised in 4x4 and a helicopter for rural and farm policing. They will investigate livestock theft, petty crimes and witchcraft cases which will be judged by the Chief or Induna in Special Courts.)
2. City Police (uniformed highly mechanised in fast cars plus helicopter working together with ADT Security and Metro Police to police cities, suburbs, bus/taxi stations and airports)
3. Township Police (uniformed in Condors, kombis and vans working closely with CPFs, Mapogo A Mathamaga and communities with whistles. Suspects who commit minor crimes are subjected to community courts and justice. No killing, cops pick them bleeding)
4. Organised Crime Unit (plain-clothed undercover police officers in fully equipped Vittos)
5. Vice Squad (plain-clothed undercover cops working on prostitution and drugs crimes. Equipped with listening devices and miniature cameras)
6. Anti-Corruption Unit (plain-clothed forensic investigators)
7. Early Detection Unit (crime intelligence, with only hired cars)
8. Vehicle Tracking and Recovery Unit (working together with Tracker and equipped with GPS)
9. Crowd Management Unit (the no-guns but teargas and baton boys)
10. Special Task Force (we can't mess with a winning formula now can we?)
11. Hit Squad (they wear black uniforms and balaclavas and their job is to kill those who kill police officers)
12. Child Protection Unit (exclusively for children - made up of clinical psychologists and police with nerves)
13. Murder, Rape and Violent Crime Unit (crime investigators)
14. Volunteer Unit (this is where all youth out of matric should go to prepare themselves for the world outside of the classroom. They work in police stations to photocopy, cerfity and fax for the public)
15 VIP Protection Unit (for Jacob Zuma)
16. Asset Forfeiture Unit (for Themba Lukhele)

All police units work together in an integrated manner. No police officer shall weight above 90 kilograms, unless he's an Afrikaner. All police units shall be able to swim, firefight and to conduct First Aid. Border duty will from now on be done by the Army and Immigration officials. All units (except Volunteer) shall have gun tracing expertise and access, both the lab and the database. All police units (except CPF, VU and CCU) shall have basic crime investigation expertise and tools. The 112 number shall be nationalised and run from one massive call centere where all dispatches will be done, using satellite maps and GPS. I plan to raise a police force of 470 000 officers at any given time, one for every 10 citizens.

Sure, make me Commissioner and let's see if crime won't decline. "These hands are clean, Glen Agliotti is my friend, finish and klaar!", he said. I said, "fuck you, who are you fooling?"

The Machine Gun is back!!!!!!


Jacob I have loved - Ngimthandile Umsholozi


Awesome God has done it. I have dared record the Zuma DVD. In this message I challenge the Congress of the People to explain the difference between Lekota/Mbeki and Cain and also try seperate Zuma and Abel.


The controversial DVD comes in the form of a TV (MegaMak TV) interview, where Modise takes me to task on the political front. I unleash a teaser on the many types of people to avoid if you don't want to be charged with rape, corruption and others, just like Msholozi.


I want to make it clear that this is not a marketing thing, I would have loved for you to watch the DVD even if it wasn't mine. No wonder it sells for an affordable R40. That's just four quarts of beer. You can sacrifice.


Holla at NtateJModise on 073-078-2319 and grab a copy now.

3/8/09

Rolling 50-deep, why?


Award-winning author of Thabo Mbeki and the Battle for the Soul of the ANC, William Gumede is poignantly asked a tricky question in the latest issue of Mail & Guardian. "what are the pointers of a flawed leader?". I got the impression that he didn't even need to ponder but shoots from his hip, "you can measure the potential for failure by the number of bodyguards a politician has. The bigger the convoy, the more likely he is to fail, to be a dictator".

Well, I reckon Bra Bill is not referring to anyone we know right now but he's just giving pointers, which should absolve him of any blame but those who might interpret his response to refer to, say Robert Mugabe or Jacob Zuma. Yeah, Zuma has the largest Security Detail of all politicians in South Afrika while Mugabe's cavalcade is rumoured to number 30 cars. Not even his Prime Minister is afforded such luxury as when he finally escaped an assassination attempt on Friday night which killed his wife, Morgan Tsvangirai was in a three car convoy.

But what Bra Bill said had me thinking about other areas, outside of politics (not even Idi Amin or Mobutu Sese Seko) but the music industry, especially the rap industry in the US. A rapper's shadiness (also called street cred) is judged based on how deep he is when rolling. The bigger your entourage the more respect you get in the 'hood. The most common depth is 50, which Terror Squad founder Joseph 'Fat Joe' Cartagena, after he was featured by Ja-Rule in New York-New York (Lean Back) and he spitted lines like "even Roy Jones was forced to lean back" he says the heavyweight boxer cornered him in a club in New York and asked him in no uncertain terms 'what the fuck he meant by that line?'. Fat Joe says he could see the rage in Jone's eyes and he told him to his face to try punching him. To paraphrase him he said, "I said 'okay, you the boxer, I don't doubt that you can land a punch on my face but I got like hundred niggas in this club and there's no way you are going to walk out of here alive. I'm 50 deep nigga'"

Yeah, Tupac was always 50-deep, Snoop is always 50-deep, so is 50 Cent, Ice Cube and most of the rappers with dodgy street creds. Does this mean that if Zuma was a rapper in the states people like Zwelinzima Vavi, Zizi Kodwa, Julius Malema, Blade Nzimande, Ranjeni Mununsamy and the bodyguards would have been what The Outlawz were to Tupac and Juniour to Notorious BIG. What happened to the most 50-deepest niggas in the industry? Idi Amin - dead, Tupac - dead, BIG - dead, and the crews prevailed.

Is there any lesson for Zuma here? Let's hope not, Bra Bill wasn't talking about him but promoting his second book, The Democracy Gap - Africa's Wasted Years.

3/5/09

Of Men and Women


I just had to let ya'll know about this 42-year old man in a crisis. I wouldn't call it a mid-life crisis but ya. This is a man with the typically ideal life; in theory that is two kids - a boy and girl who are doing quite well at school, into sports and have good morals. A wife, a beautiful wife, with a slim figure, always dressed to the nines, a job at the governmentt complex (legislature), a smart home at a secure residential complex and two luxury cars.
I mean, if you are like me and you are looking at that picture from far, you'd think 'wow! that is a nice family'. Well problem is, the man is confused to the last bit, he has had sex with a prostitute, with a tertiary kid, with a woman older than him and to a mo'f*cken fag. (Do not ask me how I know this, I am the gossip-princess of Nelspruit, news just come to me. I just make sure how true they are.)
Ok, basically what I see here is a man who has it all but still feels incomplete or maybe there are more things to experience in life. I haven't figured out that one yet. Now I bumped into this man when I was doing my groceries and I just stood there staring at him as he went on about his business, he was actin' too fag, more feminine than me (well, almost every one else is), but that was just too gross. What was even worse was that he was wearing white linen pants with a white man-thong that showed when he bent down to take a chocolate by the pay-point.
Urgh, I deliberately stood behind him in the hope that he would say something in a manner that would confirm my suspicions about him being gay!!!!! "F*ck me, ...... slowly", was what came out of my mouth - in a low, whispery tone, the man turned around and said: "Ooh, darling I prefer it being given to me". For a second I thought I have heard wrong and given the fact that my mind is in slow-mode after 16h30, it only registered while driving back to my place.
Now men, tell me; how the hell do you go from being a normal man with all of that to being a person that lives two lives. One = straight loving husband and father and the other = a gay man. I know it is becoming normal these day but I still cannot get that in my mind. Someone make me understand, I know I have dated a man who told me 7 months down the line that he was shagging men (reason why he never brought the sex issue during our "relationship") and that he wasn't planning on stopping anytime soon as he was getting a lot of benefits in the process.
Right, I was young then and had no thoughts of settling down and having kids and a proper home. Now I am wondering if one will ever find a normal man when so many of them are choosing to get into same-sex relationships. There was a time I dated a woman for a whole year and even with that I still knew that it is something I definitely wouldn't want to do for the rest of my life. It doesn't make sense!
Madoda nashiya ubudoda benu nje, kwenzenjani?
Birth Control 101

A post on Afro’s blog got me thinking about birth control. In my thinking I have been wondering what exactly do we mean by this concept.

Are we talking about blocking the ability to give birth for some time until it’s relevant; like my friend who says he won’t drop a seed until he’s got a million in his bank account? It makes sense when he says he has no intention of bringing a child in this world who will not be the son/daughter of a millionaire.

Or do we talk about something more scientific like the Chinese version of birth control. I hear it from reliable Politburo sources that in Red China the authorities know everything about a woman. They say that in those sweat shops were all the Nikes and Adidas and everything trendy that we like are produced the women there work everyday except on the days when they are having their periods.

And when are those days; I mean given that the cycle can be interrupted by many things? Forget it, the sweat shop captain will allocate day-offs based on ovulation and she will even give the woman a pack of sanitary towels. How did they know? The same way they’ll know when you have decided to have more than one child as per legislation.

You’ll gain wait, won’t you? You’ll gain some complexion and have sensitive tits won’t you? You’ll be nauseous and have morning sickness. And the neighbours who are part of a spying network will tell the block committee chairperson about it who’ll call police to come confiscate your dustbin for a lab review. Then they’ll find that pregnancy kit and the green stripe. Viola! You are forced to do an abortion and your fallopian tubes are blocked because you can’t control your own birth.

Birth control; Afro wrote about pills and other things and gays. My well-informed dictionary, which art at my computer defines birth control as; “Limiting the number of children born” while my Yiddish dictionary says, “restriction of conception by any of several methods”.

Now I reckon that my friend Holy Nigga would put coitus interuptus (“A method of birth control in which coitus is initiated but the penis is deliberately withdrawn before ejaculation”) as one of those to be adopted to control birth.

My older brother used to say they coitus interuptus is for those who have mastered the art of ejaculation; who know ‘on your marks – get set – ready – go and when the athlete is about to cross the rubicon. It’s split second birth control – birth control for experts. Does it work? Yeah, I have been using it for four years and am still to cross the rubicon.

Birth control. Yeah, sounds very unsexy. Condom sounds whorish (Formula One-ish, bonkish, Link-ish, Clicks-ish, one night standish) Contraceptive sounds… well kosher. Prophylactic, yeah, sophisticated. But at the end the aim is the same; to kill our seeds before they germinate. And we claim we are doing it for the unfortunate boys and girls who perish suffocated by latex rubber, or poisoned with pills and depo provera and injection or chocked with diaphragms and contraceptive loops.

3/4/09

Sabela uyabizwa Msholozi!

Today I’m taking this time to review something that was impossible to review many years ago because it was unavailable here – in South Afrika, because we are backward.

I am reviewing the African National Congress television advertisement. I’m still trying to figure out how much are they spending taking Ikhongolose to the people but I reckon it’s a lot of money – hopefully not from Oilgate or Arms Deal.

First; the ad is cinematographically very appealing and was well-edited with the consumer in mind. The consumer is the unconverted voter still not knowing if COPE is a fluke or the real thing.

In the ad the ANC takes credit for all the successes of the last fifteen years, building of houses, clinics, bridges, roads, municipal infrastructure and makes a point of highlighting that it all started with the Nelson Mandela’s freedom. Absent from the ad’s archived visuals is disgraced former party chief and president Thabo Mbeki.

You get to see a ‘poor’ family standing infront of their new house. You don’t get to see that it’s actually a four-roomed a la National Party matchbox structure, just that the Nats built stronger houses.

Then the killer for me is the old man who is relating all these achievements form the comfort of his bench. He speaks isiXhosa, probably to acknowledge the humble roots of the ANC and to defer the Zulu leader of the party as just a head of a collective while the party still belongs to everybody, including isiXhosa speakers.

Then when the old man takes to his feet it becomes the sell-off moment. And then the brand ambassador, Jacob Gedleyihlekisa Zuma appears and urges the electorate to give them another mandate. Wow! Another five years?

From a marketing point I fail to comprehend why I saw it twice during e-international news, since I sort of figured that people who make time to watch the 13h00 news are already converted, they already know who they are going to vote for and might not switch loyalties based on what the ANC claims to have achieved. It’s like people who watch Top Billing, Generations, Muvhango, Bold and The Beautiful and many other clearly LSMd shows.

It’s a nice ad with a thought-provoking hackneyed message. One of my visitors to this blog figured it should be screened during 3rd Degree as well. I reckon it will depend on what the topic is, not when it’s the issue of suspended two Land Affairs Chief Directors for maladministration of funds – who happen to be ANC deployed supposed to be ‘disciplined cadres’ who stole poor people’s money.

Eish..........


Slight Humour never hurts anyone, does it?????
Don't mess with a crazy chick mfana!
'In Narcs We Trust' – What’s the Obsession with Delusions of Grandeur?

Recently I’ve been wondering what is the biggest threat to poor communities these days? I remembered that in the 1990s it used to be guns, during the Nelson Mandela Gun Proliferation Era.

I then discovered, quite by accident that communities’ biggest threat these days is actually drugs. Everybody I know is on drugs to the point that these past two weeks when I watched television; first etv on Friday and they screened DMX starring Never Die Alone and the theme was about drugs and their allure and the barons who make a living out of people’s addictions I was not numbed.

I remembered the first time I saw somebody overdosing on drugs in a film I went out and puked. But not today. Then as if that was not enough, or as if this was Narcotics Year etv’s Scandal is currently on a druggy theme. Mangi, Daniel Nyathi (Sello Maake ka-Ncube)’s son ‘has taken hook, line and sinker’ (in the words of Abigail) to the habit.

Then last night I watched Special Assignment and the issue was the devastation being unleashed by Tik on the Coloured communities of the Cape Flats. Whole communities are being wiped from the face of the earth with a single syringe up a vein.

Conscious rapper Nasir Jones once rapped that ‘we used to fear arms but now the weapons are chemical’. Those who couldn’t defeat poor communities through firearms just introduced crack, cocaine, heroine, alcohol, weed, mandrax, tik, ecstasy, mushrooms, valium and others in our communities to slowly erode our humanity.

They say that once in your system tik relaxes you, then you move to a state of euphoria, then psychosis, then violence since your brain mutates to that of an ape – or violent closest relative. It also gives you uncontrolled libido which then means that you fuck without condoms and spread AIDS.

You steal things to sell and at the end you have empty houses, hungry children and an AIDS epidemic that is out of control. In an episode of The Sopranos Tony asked his father Junior what to do with his beloved nephew after he started using and the old man said, ‘it’s like when your dog has rabies, no matter how you love it you have no option but to put it down’. Tony couldn’t, and that was his undoing.

During Special Assignment a Cape Flats mother was given three years suspended sentence by a court after she put down her rabies infected dog – she strangled her own son after he became uncontrollable violent.

But then looking at the erosion of the coloured community in Special Assignment got me wondering if some races are more susceptible to drugs than others? I mean when the CIA wanted to break the Black Panther resistance they flooded the ‘active’ neighborhoods with crack and got even disciplined activists like Afeni Shakur hooked. That’s when niggers started gangbanging.

It’s rather worrying me you know, because while coloureds are on some tik, our sisters are on mandrax and ecstasy, our brothers and fathers on alcohol and weed, our middle-class uncles and aunts (together with our cousins and nephews) on cocaine. Is this the future of poor communities in this globe? Are we so done shooting each other that we now committing suicide? I’m still trying to figure.

3/3/09

Statistics Don’t Lie – But They Lie Through Statistics

Have you ever wondered why there are so many poor people in South Afrika today? Latest statistics (Labour Force Survey Fourth Quarter 2008/’09) indicate that there are 14 million employed people in this country and that during the last quarter alone employment went up by 1.4% while unemployment decreased by 26%. When one asks deep-probing questions we get told that Statistics South Africa have changed the definition of ‘employment’ while they seem not to have changed the definition of ‘unemployment’.

Sounds technical? Wait for this. When the South Afrikan Revenue Service projects its annual bounty it does not use the 14 million individual taxpayers as a benchmark plus a few thousand companies that employ them. This is because most of these folks are actually employed by government in different capacities and while the entry level for most government jobs is R52000, 00 per annum, anyone earning less than that qualifies for tax amnesty.

Okay, what about the company tax? Government as an employer (company) can not pay tax to itself, so the employees and the employer don’t pay tax. South Afrikan Broadcasting Corporation and South African Airways (which are two other government departments) usually posts losses and don’t have to foot their tax bill because they didn’t make income. As a result we have a fledging ‘middle class’ whose existence does not impact on economic growth since economic growth is measured in Gross Domestic Product and the size of the Goolam’s booty.

But truly most people are poor because most of those purported to be existing jobs are actually temps at the construction of stadia, Gautrain (Mashatile Express), Extended Public Works Programme (EPWP), Siyatentela, Asibuyeleni Emasimini and many of the government programmes which are set up before every elections and are launched by MECs and Mayors with wide smiles as if people only eat before elections.

Finally, people are poor because the level of government that is tasked with implementation; local government is so infested with cronyism that it is impossible for skilled people to find jobs there but disciplined cadres of the movement – same thing with why the Sector Education and Training Authorities, Youth Commission, Umsobomvu and many state agencies don’t work.

They should employ us and see poverty alleviated without food parcels and free houses, but quality jobs and enough money for people to build their own houses. Agghh, I’m just grumbling I guess, but it is the same situation that makes people opt to cope with the situation when they should be comfortable in their own laurels.

Wanna know why MP Government Officials never get invited to nice functions???

I'll tell you why..... coz they can't stop actin like country asses!

Now I know I've always been one bitch about this but really it has to come to an end soon and my talkin to some of them is not working and for that reason I will try figure out ways pf getting this bullsh*t to stop.

Have you ever been to say an awards gala dinner for one of the gvt departments and (by default) some government employees will attend the function. Maybe they might have expected 500 guests and only 300 show up. Those people will make sure that the food gets finished even if it means going to get a lunchbox (or plastic bag) from their cars just to pack in the food, take more than 3 corporate gifts per person, some even take the centre pieces and flower arrangements. Me thinks that they would even leave with the cutlery, table cloths, sound system and audio visuals given the chance.

Either way it very embarrassing for the person coordinating the event coz they are responsible for everything that happens. now go tell those people not to leave with the booze and so and they will lash out at you saying that "they" referring to themselves of coz, have paid for it and therefore will take what ever they want.

Now who wants to invite people who behave like that to an event.

I was shocked once when a certain MEC and a few HOD's did the same. OMG...........

And for the longest time ever I thought it was only black people who did that 'till I saw a few whities do it as well.

Haai no!

3/2/09

Cheaters - A Review

Quite frankly, today I have to confess my wholehearted adoration for etv's Cheaters programme. I don't care that it shares a slot with a soccer highlights programme on SABC1, I'm a Buccaneer but uncle Irvin Khoza will have to forgive me because I reckon that Cheaters beats soccer hands down.

Before you think I'm some stuck-up middle-age dude who is better off comatose than virile wait. I actually have ten reasons why I think Joey Greco and the bunch are a worthy view. If I had to shoot, edit and broadcast my own ad for my soon-to-be-launched political party I would differ with the ANC and DA and demand that mine not be played during Muvhango, which incidentally is flighted at the same time on SABC2 but on Cheaters.

First; I love Cheaters because it teaches me how to know when the chick I call my own has been compromised. She starts working late and having cousins in some dodgy parts of town.

Second; Cheaters is well-shot and is reality television at its best. To me, its allure is like that of Big Brother before it became too overtly commercial.

Third; Like Judge Judy, Ricky Lake and Steve Wilkos, you know you are not going to see women with bikini wax or suntan but barrel chested dudes and flabby whore-looking women on heavy make-up like actresses of Nollywood B-grades

Fourth; I am very single and Cheaters helps me realise that I actually am not missing anything except lies and heartache

Fifth; Cheaters is the only television series not on HBO which gives director Quentin Tarantino a run for his money when it comes to swearwords, that's remedy for stress

Sixth; It teaches me to be very careful in the future in the event that I fail to die from being stabbed with a single spear and am tempted to seek another wound. I see men using the old strategy of pleading late work while that's a sell-off for adultery.

Seventh; Joey is a white guy who seems not to care about the race of his cheaters as he gives them a tongue lashing and uses his customary sarcastic grammar.

Eighth; One of my friends who swears that he doesn't watch it often asks me how long do the investigations on Cheaters take and I tell him at most nine days and he says 'not in South Afrika, here people are bonking. Same day they meet at a club they bonk the same day. Joey would be saving a lot of tape in South Africa because we fuck like rabbits'.

Ninth; It always has a happy ending, which is what I expect from every story I indulge in.

Tenth; The last reason is that I am a fucking voyeur. I'm the type of dude who would follow a man and a woman into a bodouir and still expect to see something different. I even enjoyed the episode where son-of-a-bitch Joey was knifed and nearly killed by a suspect.

I love watching things, can you blame me for curiousity? When I was young I used to read books/novels because I always wanted to know what happened next. So, make a date with Cheaters and join me!