Birth Control 101

A post on Afro’s blog got me thinking about birth control. In my thinking I have been wondering what exactly do we mean by this concept.

Are we talking about blocking the ability to give birth for some time until it’s relevant; like my friend who says he won’t drop a seed until he’s got a million in his bank account? It makes sense when he says he has no intention of bringing a child in this world who will not be the son/daughter of a millionaire.

Or do we talk about something more scientific like the Chinese version of birth control. I hear it from reliable Politburo sources that in Red China the authorities know everything about a woman. They say that in those sweat shops were all the Nikes and Adidas and everything trendy that we like are produced the women there work everyday except on the days when they are having their periods.

And when are those days; I mean given that the cycle can be interrupted by many things? Forget it, the sweat shop captain will allocate day-offs based on ovulation and she will even give the woman a pack of sanitary towels. How did they know? The same way they’ll know when you have decided to have more than one child as per legislation.

You’ll gain wait, won’t you? You’ll gain some complexion and have sensitive tits won’t you? You’ll be nauseous and have morning sickness. And the neighbours who are part of a spying network will tell the block committee chairperson about it who’ll call police to come confiscate your dustbin for a lab review. Then they’ll find that pregnancy kit and the green stripe. Viola! You are forced to do an abortion and your fallopian tubes are blocked because you can’t control your own birth.

Birth control; Afro wrote about pills and other things and gays. My well-informed dictionary, which art at my computer defines birth control as; “Limiting the number of children born” while my Yiddish dictionary says, “restriction of conception by any of several methods”.

Now I reckon that my friend Holy Nigga would put coitus interuptus (“A method of birth control in which coitus is initiated but the penis is deliberately withdrawn before ejaculation”) as one of those to be adopted to control birth.

My older brother used to say they coitus interuptus is for those who have mastered the art of ejaculation; who know ‘on your marks – get set – ready – go and when the athlete is about to cross the rubicon. It’s split second birth control – birth control for experts. Does it work? Yeah, I have been using it for four years and am still to cross the rubicon.

Birth control. Yeah, sounds very unsexy. Condom sounds whorish (Formula One-ish, bonkish, Link-ish, Clicks-ish, one night standish) Contraceptive sounds… well kosher. Prophylactic, yeah, sophisticated. But at the end the aim is the same; to kill our seeds before they germinate. And we claim we are doing it for the unfortunate boys and girls who perish suffocated by latex rubber, or poisoned with pills and depo provera and injection or chocked with diaphragms and contraceptive loops.